Okay children, listen up because class is in session! Last night, I went out and fucked my shit up intentionally formulated the perfect recipe and guide to messing up a first date! With a real woman! So get ready to take notes and prepare to go out and mess up. I guarantee you WON’T get laid, or I’ll give you all your money back and possibly provide you with some kind of sexual favours. I’m getting desperate.

1. Find a girl.
   In this case, I met a cute Japanese girl at the on campus bar and getting her two friends out of the way and eventually having her ask me for my number.
2. Arrange a meeting.
   I exchanged a few texts with her so we would meet the next day at the local bar first where we had some good old fasioned conversation and got to know each other. Everything at this point should be going to plan. Now, here comes the hard part, guys!
3. Take her to a cockfest.
   What I did, was genius. I took her to a friend’s house, where we sat in a room of around six sleezy guys (myself not included) who asked her if she had kissed me yet, when we were going to have sex, whether she likes balls, etc. You must ensure your company does everything they can to make a foreign girl who is very conservative, polite and not used to obscenties uncomfortable and imply that at some point tonight, you are going to try and make a baby with her.
4. Take her to a BIGGER cockfest.
   Yes, one cockfest is not enough! Not unless you want to get anywhere with this girl! And you don’t, of course. Don’t be silly. My preference was taking her to Oceana, famous for having the most sleezy and disgusting men prowling for slutty girls. It’s been described as the perfect place for getting laid, but I debunk this rumour with my mad skillz for getting nowhere!
5. Put a stop to a bad night.
   Get drunk and lead her out of a fire escape so you’re seperated from your (bastard) friends and the only source of fun.
6. Sit in the street and go for the kiss.
   It’s best to do this on shy, insecure Asian girls in my experience who are scared to dance or hold hands. Don’t bother trying to take things slow or any of that bullshit, just DO IT. Results will follow 100% of the time!
7. Get rejected.
   Hopefully, she should pull away from you and make things deliciously awkward. If for some reason she does return the kiss, slap that bitch, call her a slut and walk away.

Follow these simple rules and guidelines and you’ll be single FOREVER!