Hey Kunal! Have you passed your driving test yet?!

No, but I think I’ve developed a telepathic link to your brain because I just read your mind and I know you have!
Have I passed my driving test, that’s the most common question I’m being asked these days. More so than “how are you?” and even “would you like a large Pepsi and fries with that?”, which I get asked a lot because that KFC is finger lickin’ good.

Obviously I haven’t or I wouldn’t be waiting for the bus, would I? Or I would have parked my car on your face a long time ago. The possibilities are quite endless, but the real reason people ask these questions is because of course, they have passed their test. It’s kind of weird how all my younger cousins have got their licence- because they’re girls. I just learnt how to use an oven recently and they learnt how to drive a car. I seem to have walked through a mirror and landed in some kind of bizarro world.

I’m not the biggest fan of people who just talk to you so that they can outright brag about stuff. I’m quite a modest person, so I don’t do that. I mean, my friends don’t even know when my birthday us because I don’t tell them as I don’t want all the attention or to put pressure on them for getting me a present or whatever. The real reason for that of course is I don’t have friends to celebrate my birthday with.
For some reason though, most of my friends in the past were people who just couldn’t stop doing this. The most guilty culprit was my bisexual friend who decided to come out the closet and come out of their with VENGEANCE. Normally when gay people come out the closet, they do it slowly and with caution… my friend did it like Arnold Schwarzenegger; he filled the closet full of bullets from his machine gun, kicked down the door and made some kind of comment like: “I’m coming aht… so yoo bethea get this phaty stahted!” or “I’m bhak from Nhania! I tamed tha lhion but the vitch did nathing foh me!”

Or something to that effect. I didn’t really see him much after we got out of high school- which was of course, a boy’s only school. But we stayed in touch (without the touching) through MSN Messenger, but he really only spoke to me so he could talk about how gay he was. This went from the harmless tales about how he became a flyer boy for a gay nightclub and then he became a bit disturbing when he would just say “hello” and follow up with “a hunk totally raped me last night” and go into all the gory details. Examples:

Conversation 1

• Hey Kunal
• hey how are you
• meand Will hae broken up after i ended iton Tuesday. Work is difficult and i earn shit money, all in all a good week
  u?
• um
  itll be hard to top that

 Conversation 2

• Hey Kun
  I have a new bf

Conversation 3

• Hey you
• hey how r u
• Me and Kay have split up

That’s really just the tame stuff there. I guess it’s partly my fault for asking “how are you”, which to his defence he did answer. Although he really only sparked up conversation to tell me how a behemoth violated him the night before and how he’s finding it hard to walk. Then, after not speaking to him for 5 months:

• Well well well
• WELL HALLO THAR
• How are you?
• VERY NAICE U?
• Great thanks
  19 today

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m NOT the one with a pink font. Not that I have anything against pink; I think it’s a simply fabulous colour. Haha, and then there’s my other friend who would only really try and speak to me when he broke up with his girlfriend and made me her replacement. I remember at 12am when his birthday technically JUST began he sent out messages to people saying “happy birthday” just so they would give him attention.
I’m not a big fan of these people who are needy and just crave people to define them and make them feel good. Obviously I got tired of hearing about all the ways you anally probe a guy and how many times you can break up and make up with one girl for three years so I don’t speak to either of them too much anymore. Luckily, now I have other friends who when they initiate conversation, they actually do it to… you know. MAKE CONVERSATION. It’s usually about stupid stuff that makes no sense, but that’s good.

So yeah, I really don’t like it when people do that because they’re so easy to read. These days as soon as I pick up that someone’s doing it, I try and counter it. Like a while ago, an old friend who’s pretty spoilt and was bought a really flash BMW skipped the “have you passed your driving test” question and went straight into the full offensive by asking: “Do you have a car yet?”. I knew it was coming and had my answer prepared:
“No, your first car is kind of like your first girlfriend; you don’t want your parents to buy it for you.”
Don’t hold me to that, because I would actually prefer having a car being bought for me instead of actually not being lazy and earning it myself. And I feel exactly the same way about girlfriends. But it did shut him up for the rest of the night about his car and he didn’t bring it back up, so I win.

It’s kind of scary to think my cousin sisters are going to be driving around everywhere now. As members of the female sex, the roads- and streets will be more dangerous for it. I’m not too bothered about not being anywhere near passing my test though as it means I’ll just have to keep going down to the store near our house and top up my transport card from the lovely lady who works there, who has the softest hands EVER. And I would know; I get to touch them when I give her my money.
… wow, that’s the first and probably last time I’ll ever say that.

Come to think of it, maybe a car would make stalking her a bit more easier…