My alarm rang the next week at 5am and I started to wonder whether it was worth it, since I could be getting another 7 hours of sleep instead. I eventually got up decided to get dressed. Sadly, the text message said that we had to dress ’smart casual’ and all my clothes are just casual. So I went naked and wasn’t allowed to be in the movie AGAIN. This time, not for looking too young, but looking too naked. I think it’s just discrimination to be honest. And my luck just got worse as it wasn’t warm that day at all, and having no clothes made things just that little bit more hard for me. Like I said, Indian movies are crap and there can be no nudity at all. In fact, people in India don’t even have sex for this reason. They reproduce through osmosis, as having real sex requires way too much exposure and can cause people to burst into flames as it causes some kind of time paradox.

That was a lie; I put on my best threads (in the 70’s, that meant “clothes”) and went down to the tube station to meet Vikesh and Neel. We made our way down to central London, at a theatre where the scene was being filmed. It was there that my life changed forever, as for the first time in my life I was awake early enough to go to McDonalds for a breakfast bagle. Which I don’t think is going to happen ever again.
Neel made friends with a dude who was continually bragging about being in every scene in every movie ever madel; even the ones made before he was born, except you could never see him because he was an extra. Neel began sucking up to him which he said was an elaborate plan to find out how to get us in more movies… but I think it’s because Neel is gay, and wanted to marry the guy.

We made our way into the theatre, taking our seats with a lot of other people and being moved further forward because we were “dressed well”. Although the guy might just been saying that so that we weren’t in the middle of the row and therefore, more likely to be in the film. His plan seems to have worked I think, after seeing the final product.

The next 12 hours were one of the most boring of my life. Literally all we did was sit there, like you would do in the cinema… except imagine it was a 12 hour film consisting of people setting up cameras and equipment on an empty stage. Sounds like it could win an Oscar.
When the afternoon came along, we were given vouchers that we could exchange at the nearby McDonalds for food… how kind of them. I was a bit confused why they would choose McDonalds though, since McDonalds is mainly meat and Indians appear to be allergic to that. I soon found out though that you couldn’t even get a chicken burger with just the chicken and none of that other crap because they were so busy.

Everything about this fucking Indian movie thing makes no sense at all!

• I look “too young” to be in the first scene
  I agree that I have fantastically, boyishly good looks, but “too young”? The scene had a couple of people taking suitcases out of a coach… how fucking old do you have to be to do that? I was 18! I was able to drive, buy porno, gamble and buy alcohol… but I wasn’t old enough to take a suitcase out of a coach? What kind of backwards running country is India?
• Celebrities own the sidewalk
  Because I was “standing in the way” of one ancient, asshole of an actor, apparently I had to risk my own life so he could walk comfortably in a straight line by diving into the road and possibly in front of an incoming car. Is it so difficult to walk around me? Or ask me to move a bit? No need to use your bitch of a bodyguard to force me out the way!
• Spiky hair is against the law
  Two times I saw discrimnation against people with spiky hair, god forbid anyone have a sense of style or individuality in the movie. It’s supposed to be set in London, and in London we all don’t dress in a way that puts the message “Hey! I’m a virgin forever, and proud of it!” across to people.

And then, the guy in McDonalds tells me because I’m part of the cast now, I can’t have a plain chicken burger. What the hell. I’m sure it’s quicker to just chuck a piece of meat into two pieces of bread instead of putting all this other crap in it? Every other time I’ve been to McDonalds it was ok, but apparently being involved with an Indian movie means you get less choice and less chicken. So I had to settle for some fries on their own.

At this point, I was getting more and more irritated with the whole thing. I’m sure they wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t be in the film if I was “too old” or if I had no hair I was “too bald”. Youth seems to be the ultimate way to make sure you have nothing to do with an Indian movie. And now I know why people are afraid to get old.

The process was going slowly and taking far too long, the actors and staff were a bit too arrogant and cocky for my liking… especially in a country where nobody cares who they are. And most of the other extras were also annoying and over enthusiastic, or thought they were the next best thing since Johnny Depp. WHICH IS BLASPHEMY.

We started to fall asleep in our seats since they weren’t even filming anything 90% of the time. I only forced myself to stay awake when the dancers (who naturally, weren’t wearing much) appeared on the stage. But even they weren’t that good looking, which I think proves my point that they hire average looking people at best to make the old, unattractive actors stand out more. The choreographer however, was HUARGGHHH (which means “very good looking”) and I didn’t mind just watching her show the ordinary looking girls how it’s done.

After spending more time just staring blankly at the empty stage, the guy Neel was trying to chat up earlier in the morning appeared with another guy and pointed at us. They called us over as they needed some extra people to be in the stage scene. After just sitting around all day looking like we were in a coma, we were pretty excited to do something different. Too bad for Neel though, he had spiky hair and there wasn’t enough time for them to tame that beast into a more ‘Indian look’. I thought the fact he IS Indian got that job done, but then again what do I know? His efforts to suck up to that guy earlier on were in vain, but thanks to him, Vikesh and I got to be in a new scene. We were given the role of waiters standing on the stage and had to dress quickly into a white shirt and black bowtie so I looked homosexual (Vikesh already looks gay, so it wasn’t a big deal for him). Then we had to stand around on stage at the end of a line of other waiters and were given the simple directions of: “look shocked” when a plastic dummy fell from the ceiling.

After getting back into our straight clothes (unless you’re Vikesh), we were now pretty excited at the prospect of actually being in the movie and released from our prison. After standing in line for AGES, we were given £50. Neel and I thought they had handed us an extra £20 by accident so we made a run for it before they noticed, but Vikesh let us know later that we were given that because the filming took so long, and that it was so boring that a part of our soul died in there.

Paris and Nicky took our email addresses, saying they would let us know when they had more placements for other movies that we could be in. At the time, we were kind of excited about this as we thought we could try and sneak our way into as many crap Indian movies as we could. Soon after though, the novelty wore off and we didn’t expect go get an email back from them ever again.
I did though, and my sexy services were required to “play the role of an Asian Rugby player”.

The movie was “Namaste London” and I’m guessing it’s a comedy movie. Because if anyone was to cast me; a tall and skinny guy as a rugby player, it’ll be a laugh at my expense. Even though I’d most likely be in the movie this time, my previous experience wasn’t exactly great so I assumed they would switch my role from rugby player to the rugby ball.
Kind of makes me wonder though; why would they say I look to young to take some luggage out of a coach, yet I’m okay to be cast as a rugby player, who are typically built, muscular and look around twenty-something? See what I mean about India being all weird and backwards?

I had enough of all that fame and… abuse, so I didn’t turn up.
But the one I was involved with was recently released and I downloaded it. Yeah, that’s right. DOWNLOADED IT. If you think I’m going to pay to see such a stupid movie, with such a stupid group of people acting in it (except me, but then again I didn’t do much acting; I just sat in a chair all day… which I do all the time anyway) then you are mistaken.

What I was interested in, is finding out if any of us actually did get in the film…

Pages: 1 2 3