This title is misleading, because I didn’t actually go to Bollywood… I think I’ve made it clear how much India sucks. To be more clear, Bollywood came to me. Now, I shall tell you a tale of my experience of being on the set of an Indian film… and stuff.

On the first day of July, life was AWESOME. The sun decided to actually visit England for the first time in 100 years, and he really wanted people to know he was there so Summer actually felt like Summer. My exams were finished so I didn’t have to worry about that, O had just went on a shopping spree and bought a stupid amount of video games to keep me busy- including Kingdom Hearts 2, which I had waited 4 years to be released! And I had a big screen to play it on. Yes, there’s nothing like sitting inside and playing video games on when you could be outside in the sunshine.

My family were over but went out because apparently an Indian film was being shot at the pub around the corner from us. They asked me if I wanted to come to see the ‘celebrities’ but if I have the choice of watching people I don’t know or care about trying (and failing) to ‘act’ or playing my Playstation 2… I think I made my point clear enough.

Later on though, my brother told me that he had been chatting with a member of the staff who needed 4 guys and 4 girls to be extras and I was supposed to be one of the boys (although I think I could play a girl well) the next day. I would get £40 and would probably be in the movie, so having nothing to lose I decided to go for it. I called my sidekicks Vikesh and Neel down too, in case they could be in the movie.

So the next day I got up and went down to the pub with my brother’s friend. Vikesh and Neel soon turned up and I was given my ‘costume’. I use the term lightly because it was a disgusting brown shirt which looked stupid as hell, but hey; that’s Indian movies for you, and I had to get into character.
My brother’s friend was crying like a bitch because the people told him he had to put his hair down as apparently, spiky hair doesn’t exist in India. And if anyone with spiky hair made it into the movie, the audience in India would burst into flames as the alien hairstyle would create some kind of time paradox or something.

My brother turned up and was greeted by a witch faced woman walking around with not many clothes to cover her bony body. She spoke with a weird accent and looked foreign… if I had to guess, I’d say she was the offspring of a Brazillian mutant which had a one night stand with a swordfish. She wasn’t pretty, but most guys there thought she was because she looked like a skank.
And a skank she was!

She took one look at me and my brother’s friend, frowned and turned to my brother, telling him we look too young as if we weren’t even there. I didn’t think what she thought would make a difference because that’s my brother she was talking to and I was waiting for him to say something like:
“Well too bad, they’re here now… as the casting agent you should have met them before, but you’ve called them down and they’re using their time- so deal with it.”
You know, standing up for me like a brother is supposed to do?

But instead he told her to kick me out, take his friend and he’d bring two of his more ugly, older friend along for the ride. Neither the woman or my brother took a second look at me and they both walked away. I was just standing around with Vikesh and Neel for a few moments looking a bit confused and knowing that I had been royally screwed. I was debating about whether I could press charges; if not on the woman who had rejected me after I had cancelled my important plans to play my Playstation all day and made the effort to walk a WHOLE TEN MINUTES to get to the pub, then at least on my brother who had done his best Judas impression.

It seems Bollywood is the complete opposite of Hollywood. Hollywood casts young, attractive people and make them look stylish, they throw in a lot of sex and gore… whereas Bollywood goes out of their way to cast older looking, ugly people and make them look like they just crawled out from under a rock. Oh, and there’s no sex and gore, not even kissing! But there is dancing… lots and lots of pointless, stupid dancing and singing.

My friends and I tried to sneak into the movie, but we were foiled every time by the witch and her companion who was also part of the casting staff. We couldn’t remember- or care- what their names were, but seeing as how they walked around the set trying to look ‘hot’ and like they weren’t a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, we lovingly nicknamed them ‘Paris and Nicky’. They even carried a little poodle dog around with them!

We tried sneaking on the coach where all the other extras were, but got rumbled on the way out… we even tried bribing another member of the staff who almost got us on, but Paris was having none of it. So we spent the rest of the day just hanging around the pub like alcoholics, mingling with all the losers who were interested in the film and all the douchebags who were involved with making it.

My cousin’s cousins had some cousins over from Norway, and once again my Skanky Sense was tingling. I swear, if you ever have the chance to visit the set of an Indian movie, do it. The people there are so stupid, goofy and desperate that it was just entertaining enough to stick around.
The Norway chicks came in a pack of three and plastered with makeup. All the guys were chasing after the 19 year old one, telling her they could make her a star and all this other bullshit that’s guaranteed NOT to get you laid. Haha, even the 100 year old actor was trying it.
Since the movie is out now, she was able to show her caked up face… and even she looks like witch. I think being exposed to the set too long turns all women into witches? To be honest, I have no idea what she was doing acting. Clearly she would be a much better bodyguard, because if anyone took a shot at an actor, all she would have to do is stand in the way and the 6 inches of foundation she had on her face would stop the bullet. My brother later told me the reason she had so much make up on was because she was “in cosmetics” to which my reply was “and she couldn’t get out?” and he told me that she sells them. I’m sure she’s her own number one customer.

Her youngest sister’s name was Jailbait, I think. Because she was the best looking of all three and looked about 18, but she was 13. She was another source of entertainment as we watched grown men try and chat up a little girl who had barely started going through puberty yet. She didn’t seem that flattered by all the attention, probably because she would have preferred being at home watching Nickelodeon or play with Barbie or something.

We started talking to people outside about how we were thrown off the cast because we were too good looking and would steal the show from the main actors. As I was making fun of everything as people listened and laughed, the actor who was perving on all the young ladies and who looked old enough to have stories about how he had slayed a T-Rex was giving me an angry look. One of the people asked to get a picture taken with him and I just glared at him while it happened without blinking and he actually looked intimidated. His bodyguard told me to move out the way- even though I was standing on the street! As I refused, he moved me onto the road to let the douche walk past, safely.
The joke’s on him though; within the next 10 years he’ll probably die, whereas I have the whole of my life ahead of me. I win!

After the excitement of everything outside died down, Vikesh, Neel and I actually started drinking, as that’s what the pub was for. My cousin’s cousin was alone so we kept her company and eventually her cousins (confused yet?) joined us. After just one beer I was kind of drunk, and I started making fun of one of the girls on our table about how she had a cyst in her eye. I found this very entertaining and I’m sure someone should have been recording me, because it was a lot more fun than that movie was ever going to be. I called her cyclops, the youngest cyster (haha, sounds like sister) and challenged her to a game of ‘eye spy’.

I think being on the set and having alcohol brings out the worst in some people… in the pub, I was approached by some dude who shall remain anonnymous because he’s a fucking weirdo. For some reason, he was trying to persuade me to go after the 13 year old girl, saying she was the best looking of all 3. I told him no as she hasn’t even gone through puberty yet. I almost burst out laughing when he told me to shut up as girls go through puberty when they’re 9 years old. Then I realised he was telling me it’s ok to have sex with girls when they’re around 9 and I think he saw the scared look in my eyes and after a moment of awkward silence, he got up and left me alone.

When we were alone, Paris and Nicky appraoched our table, asking us our names and numbers as they might need us for another scene the following week. Part of me wanted to tell her to go fuck herself after rejecting me earlier on, but my friends were up for it so I gave my number.
Later on that week we all got text messages inviting us to get a place in a scene down in London for £30. Once again, having nothing to do provoked me into going again.

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