This title is misleading, because I didn’t actually go to Bollywood… I think I’ve made it clear how much India sucks. To be more clear, Bollywood came to me. Now, I shall tell you a tale of my experience of being on the set of an Indian film… and stuff. On the first day of July, life was AWESOME. The sun decided to actually visit England for the first time in 100 years, and he really wanted people to know he was there so Summer actually felt like Summer. My exams were finished so I didn’t have to worry about that, O had just went on a shopping spree and bought a stupid amount of video games to keep me busy- including Kingdom Hearts 2, which I had waited 4 years to be released! And I had a big screen to play it on. Yes, there’s nothing like sitting inside and playing video games on when you could be outside in the sunshine. My family were over but went out because apparently an Indian film was being shot at the pub around the corner from us. They asked me if I wanted to come to see the ‘celebrities’ but if I have the choice of watching people I don’t know or care about trying (and failing) to ‘act’ or playing my Playstation 2… I think I made my point clear enough. Later on though, my brother told me that he had been chatting with a member of the staff who needed 4 guys and 4 girls to be extras and I was supposed to be one of the boys (although I think I could play a girl well) the next day. I would get £40 and would probably be in the movie, so having nothing to lose I decided to go for it. I called my sidekicks Vikesh and Neel down too, in case they could be in the movie. So the next day I got up and went down to the pub with my brother’s friend. Vikesh and Neel soon turned up and I was given my ‘costume’. I use the term lightly because it was a disgusting brown shirt which looked stupid as hell, but hey; that’s Indian movies for you, and I had to get into character. My brother’s friend was crying like a bitch because the people told him he had to put his hair down as apparently, spiky hair doesn’t exist in India. And if anyone with spiky hair made it into the movie, the audience in India would burst into flames as the alien hairstyle would create some kind of time paradox or something. My brother turned up and was greeted by a witch faced woman walking around with not many clothes to cover her bony body. She spoke with a weird accent and looked foreign… if I had to guess, I’d say she was the offspring of a Brazillian mutant which had a one night stand with a swordfish. She wasn’t pretty, but most guys there thought she was because she looked like a skank. And a skank she was! She took one look at me and my brother’s friend, frowned and turned to my brother, telling him we look too young as if we weren’t even there. I didn’t think what she thought would make a difference because that’s my brother she was talking to and I was waiting for him to say something like: “Well too bad, they’re here now… as the casting agent you should have met them before, but you’ve called them down and they’re using their time- so deal with it.” You know, standing up for me like a brother is supposed to do? But instead he told her to kick me out, take his friend and he’d bring two of his more ugly, older friend along for the ride. Neither the woman or my brother took a second look at me and they both walked away. I was just standing around with Vikesh and Neel for a few moments looking a bit confused and knowing that I had been royally screwed. I was debating about whether I could press charges; if not on the woman who had rejected me after I had cancelled my important plans to play my Playstation all day and made the effort to walk a WHOLE TEN MINUTES to get to the pub, then at least on my brother who had done his best Judas impression. It seems Bollywood is the complete opposite of Hollywood. Hollywood casts young, attractive people and make them look stylish, they throw in a lot of sex and gore… whereas Bollywood goes out of their way to cast older looking, ugly people and make them look like they just crawled out from under a rock. Oh, and there’s no sex and gore, not even kissing! But there is dancing… lots and lots of pointless, stupid dancing and singing. My friends and I tried to sneak into the movie, but we were foiled every time by the witch and her companion who was also part of the casting staff. We couldn’t remember- or care- what their names were, but seeing as how they walked around the set trying to look ‘hot’ and like they weren’t a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, we lovingly nicknamed them ‘Paris and Nicky’. They even carried a little poodle dog around with them! We tried sneaking on the coach where all the other extras were, but got rumbled on the way out… we even tried bribing another member of the staff who almost got us on, but Paris was having none of it. So we spent the rest of the day just hanging around the pub like alcoholics, mingling with all the losers who were interested in the film and all the douchebags who were involved with making it.

My cousin’s cousins had some cousins over from Norway, and once again my Skanky Sense was tingling. I swear, if you ever have the chance to visit the set of an Indian movie, do it. The people there are so stupid, goofy and desperate that it was just entertaining enough to stick around. The Norway chicks came in a pack of three and plastered with makeup. All the guys were chasing after the 19 year old one, telling her they could make her a star and all this other bullshit that’s guaranteed NOT to get you laid. Haha, even the 100 year old actor was trying it. Since the movie is out now, she was able to show her caked up face… and even she looks like witch. I think being exposed to the set too long turns all women into witches? To be honest, I have no idea what she was doing acting. Clearly she would be a much better bodyguard, because if anyone took a shot at an actor, all she would have to do is stand in the way and the 6 inches of foundation she had on her face would stop the bullet. My brother later told me the reason she had so much make up on was because she was “in cosmetics” to which my reply was “and she couldn’t get out?” and he told me that she sells them. I’m sure she’s her own number one customer.

Her youngest sister’s name was Jailbait, I think. Because she was the best looking of all three and looked about 18, but she was 13. She was another source of entertainment as we watched grown men try and chat up a little girl who had barely started going through puberty yet. She didn’t seem that flattered by all the attention, probably because she would have preferred being at home watching Nickelodeon or play with Barbie or something.

We started talking to people outside about how we were thrown off the cast because we were too good looking and would steal the show from the main actors. As I was making fun of everything as people listened and laughed, the actor who was perving on all the young ladies and who looked old enough to have stories about how he had slayed a T-Rex was giving me an angry look. One of the people asked to get a picture taken with him and I just glared at him while it happened without blinking and he actually looked intimidated. His bodyguard told me to move out the way- even though I was standing on the street! As I refused, he moved me onto the road to let the douche walk past, safely. The joke’s on him though; within the next 10 years he’ll probably die, whereas I have the whole of my life ahead of me. I win! After the excitement of everything outside died down, Vikesh, Neel and I actually started drinking, as that’s what the pub was for. My cousin’s cousin was alone so we kept her company and eventually her cousins (confused yet?) joined us. After just one beer I was kind of drunk, and I started making fun of one of the girls on our table about how she had a cyst in her eye. I found this very entertaining and I’m sure someone should have been recording me, because it was a lot more fun than that movie was ever going to be. I called her cyclops, the youngest cyster (haha, sounds like sister) and challenged her to a game of ‘eye spy’. I think being on the set and having alcohol brings out the worst in some people… in the pub, I was approached by some dude who shall remain anonnymous because he’s a fucking weirdo. For some reason, he was trying to persuade me to go after the 13 year old girl, saying she was the best looking of all 3. I told him no as she hasn’t even gone through puberty yet. I almost burst out laughing when he told me to shut up as girls go through puberty when they’re 9 years old. Then I realised he was telling me it’s ok to have sex with girls when they’re around 9 and I think he saw the scared look in my eyes and after a moment of awkward silence, he got up and left me alone. When we were alone, Paris and Nicky appraoched our table, asking us our names and numbers as they might need us for another scene the following week. Part of me wanted to tell her to go fuck herself after rejecting me earlier on, but my friends were up for it so I gave my number. Later on that week we all got text messages inviting us to get a place in a scene down in London for £30. Once again, having nothing to do provoked me into going again. My alarm rang the next week at 5am and I started to wonder whether it was worth it, since I could be getting another 7 hours of sleep instead. I eventually got up decided to get dressed. Sadly, the text message said that we had to dress ’smart casual’ and all my clothes are just casual. So I went naked and wasn’t allowed to be in the movie AGAIN. This time, not for looking too young, but looking too naked. I think it’s just discrimination to be honest. And my luck just got worse as it wasn’t warm that day at all, and having no clothes made things just that little bit more hard for me. Like I said, Indian movies are crap and there can be no nudity at all. In fact, people in India don’t even have sex for this reason. They reproduce through osmosis, as having real sex requires way too much exposure and can cause people to burst into flames as it causes some kind of time paradox. That was a lie; I put on my best threads (in the 70’s, that meant “clothes”) and went down to the tube station to meet Vikesh and Neel. We made our way down to central London, at a theatre where the scene was being filmed. It was there that my life changed forever, as for the first time in my life I was awake early enough to go to McDonalds for a breakfast bagle. Which I don’t think is going to happen ever again. Neel made friends with a dude who was continually bragging about being in every scene in every movie ever madel; even the ones made before he was born, except you could never see him because he was an extra. Neel began sucking up to him which he said was an elaborate plan to find out how to get us in more movies… but I think it’s because Neel is gay, and wanted to marry the guy. We made our way into the theatre, taking our seats with a lot of other people and being moved further forward because we were “dressed well”. Although the guy might just been saying that so that we weren’t in the middle of the row and therefore, more likely to be in the film. His plan seems to have worked I think, after seeing the final product. The next 12 hours were one of the most boring of my life. Literally all we did was sit there, like you would do in the cinema… except imagine it was a 12 hour film consisting of people setting up cameras and equipment on an empty stage. Sounds like it could win an Oscar. When the afternoon came along, we were given vouchers that we could exchange at the nearby McDonalds for food… how kind of them. I was a bit confused why they would choose McDonalds though, since McDonalds is mainly meat and Indians appear to be allergic to that. I soon found out though that you couldn’t even get a chicken burger with just the chicken and none of that other crap because they were so busy. Everything about this fucking Indian movie thing makes no sense at all!

• I look “too young” to be in the first scene I agree that I have fantastically, boyishly good looks, but “too young”? The scene had a couple of people taking suitcases out of a coach… how fucking old do you have to be to do that? I was 18! I was able to drive, buy porno, gamble and buy alcohol… but I wasn’t old enough to take a suitcase out of a coach? What kind of backwards running country is India?
• Celebrities own the sidewalk Because I was “standing in the way” of one ancient, asshole of an actor, apparently I had to risk my own life so he could walk comfortably in a straight line by diving into the road and possibly in front of an incoming car. Is it so difficult to walk around me? Or ask me to move a bit? No need to use your bitch of a bodyguard to force me out the way!
• Spiky hair is against the law Two times I saw discrimnation against people with spiky hair, god forbid anyone have a sense of style or individuality in the movie. It’s supposed to be set in London, and in London we all don’t dress in a way that puts the message “Hey! I’m a virgin forever, and proud of it!” across to people.

And then, the guy in McDonalds tells me because I’m part of the cast now, I can’t have a plain chicken burger. What the hell. I’m sure it’s quicker to just chuck a piece of meat into two pieces of bread instead of putting all this other crap in it? Every other time I’ve been to McDonalds it was ok, but apparently being involved with an Indian movie means you get less choice and less chicken. So I had to settle for some fries on their own. At this point, I was getting more and more irritated with the whole thing. I’m sure they wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t be in the film if I was “too old” or if I had no hair I was “too bald”. Youth seems to be the ultimate way to make sure you have nothing to do with an Indian movie. And now I know why people are afraid to get old. The process was going slowly and taking far too long, the actors and staff were a bit too arrogant and cocky for my liking… especially in a country where nobody cares who they are. And most of the other extras were also annoying and over enthusiastic, or thought they were the next best thing since Johnny Depp. WHICH IS BLASPHEMY. We started to fall asleep in our seats since they weren’t even filming anything 90% of the time. I only forced myself to stay awake when the dancers (who naturally, weren’t wearing much) appeared on the stage. But even they weren’t that good looking, which I think proves my point that they hire average looking people at best to make the old, unattractive actors stand out more. The choreographer however, was HUARGGHHH (which means “very good looking”) and I didn’t mind just watching her show the ordinary looking girls how it’s done. After spending more time just staring blankly at the empty stage, the guy Neel was trying to chat up earlier in the morning appeared with another guy and pointed at us. They called us over as they needed some extra people to be in the stage scene. After just sitting around all day looking like we were in a coma, we were pretty excited to do something different. Too bad for Neel though, he had spiky hair and there wasn’t enough time for them to tame that beast into a more ‘Indian look’. I thought the fact he IS Indian got that job done, but then again what do I know? His efforts to suck up to that guy earlier on were in vain, but thanks to him, Vikesh and I got to be in a new scene. We were given the role of waiters standing on the stage and had to dress quickly into a white shirt and black bowtie so I looked homosexual (Vikesh already looks gay, so it wasn’t a big deal for him). Then we had to stand around on stage at the end of a line of other waiters and were given the simple directions of: “look shocked” when a plastic dummy fell from the ceiling. After getting back into our straight clothes (unless you’re Vikesh), we were now pretty excited at the prospect of actually being in the movie and released from our prison. After standing in line for AGES, we were given £50. Neel and I thought they had handed us an extra £20 by accident so we made a run for it before they noticed, but Vikesh let us know later that we were given that because the filming took so long, and that it was so boring that a part of our soul died in there. Paris and Nicky took our email addresses, saying they would let us know when they had more placements for other movies that we could be in. At the time, we were kind of excited about this as we thought we could try and sneak our way into as many crap Indian movies as we could. Soon after though, the novelty wore off and we didn’t expect go get an email back from them ever again. I did though, and my sexy services were required to “play the role of an Asian Rugby player”. The movie was “Namaste London” and I’m guessing it’s a comedy movie. Because if anyone was to cast me; a tall and skinny guy as a rugby player, it’ll be a laugh at my expense. Even though I’d most likely be in the movie this time, my previous experience wasn’t exactly great so I assumed they would switch my role from rugby player to the rugby ball. Kind of makes me wonder though; why would they say I look to young to take some luggage out of a coach, yet I’m okay to be cast as a rugby player, who are typically built, muscular and look around twenty-something? See what I mean about India being all weird and backwards? I had enough of all that fame and… abuse, so I didn’t turn up. But the one I was involved with was recently released and I downloaded it. Yeah, that’s right. DOWNLOADED IT. If you think I’m going to pay to see such a stupid movie, with such a stupid group of people acting in it (except me, but then again I didn’t do much acting; I just sat in a chair all day… which I do all the time anyway) then you are mistaken. What I was interested in, is finding out if any of us actually did get in the film…