I’ll admit I’m a bit of a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Well, actually I’m not sure if I am since you’re more likely to watch a dinosaur boxing a zebra than catch me drinking… both occurences are rare so it’s hard to tell if I can’t handle the drinks. And most of the time when I do have some, I take a bit too much to the point where I think I can hear my liver saying shit like “why do you hate me?”

But I know when I’m drunk… I know when other people are drunk. So why the hell do people find it so hard to do the same around me? Or to be more clear, why do people find it so easy to think I’m drunk?
I must be the most miserable, cynical bastard alive because if I smile, laugh or talk to anyone they all assume I’m pissed. And sometimes high- well actually, people think I’m high all the time. But it’s not my fault I was born with crimson red eyes. I’ve learnt to deal with them now, but it gets kind of annoying when people accuse me of being high… or the Devil.

Since I don’t see my friends a lot anymore because they’re imaginary, I decided to actually have a drink with them last night. They introduced me to the game of “21″ where you say numbers and some stuff like that and whoever hesitates, messes up or says “21″ on their turn has to down like, 2 lines of their drink.
The fact I suck with numbers and suck even more with alcohol meant I lost quickly and became a bit tipsy. Everyone was ganging up on me to get me drunk because I never drink. And then they ask me why I never do when I don’t.

So apparently having 2 drinks and losing a game qualifies me being “fucked off my head”. Like I said, it’s not hard to know if someone is drunk. First they start of defensive, saying they’re not drunk to avoid any humility for some reason because they know they are. Then they start laughing to themselves and telling THEMSELVES that they’re drunk. Then they start laughing like a hyena on crack, telling anyone and everyone they are drunk.
I did none of these.

One of my friends is a quiet, introverted and raging homophobic when he’s sober, then after a few drinks he turns into someone who wants to hug you and tell you he loves you, which is also known as ‘coming out the closet’ I believe. A closet who’s hinges are very stiff and need beer to be loosened.
Then he starts running around, punching you and eventually throwing up.

That’s his symptoms, I would name mine but for some reason I can never really remember them… weird, that. But seeing as how I remembered everything last night, It would be safe to say I wasn’t drunk.

But it’s amazing how funny everything becomes after drinking alcohol, even stuff that isn’t funny. I’m kind of worried now, as I’m the only one who doesn’t drink amongst my friends and most of them find me funny. Is that because they’re under the influence? All the time? I can kind of see why I never drink now; it’s so I can think people actually like and find me funny.

Plus, laughter releases endorphins which help boost the immune system and stuff. So I’m actually doing them a favour. Although I did hear that the release of endorphins does the opposite, which would then actually kill my friends. I don’t mind either way to be honest.

Here’s a photo we took to prove I have friends!
But to be totally honest, they were just people I asked to pose as friends for £10 each… and even then they wouldn’t let me in the picture with them. I had to photoshop myself into the top left.