A few hours ago, my parents left to go to India for a month. I had the chance to go with them, but I turned it down. Some people might love the chance to go to India, but not me. I’ve heard BAD things about it… things that send a shiver down my spine, things that scare me so badly that I can’t sleep at night… but I still manage to sleep through the day because my alarm has that bloody snooze button.

What are these things? Well for one, nobody eats meat there apparently? Which means India is full of idiots. I can’t live without eating an innocent animal that’s been pumped full of shit and torn to shreds, so I’d probably go crazy and start biting chunks out of one of the many cows that run around the streets over there. That would probably land me in big trouble, since cows are holy in Hinduism and stuff… and you’re supposed to respect them. And eating them isn’t respectful, apparently. But I think there’s no better way of honouring a creature of god than its flesh passing through my digestive tract.
But I’m not a big fan of beef anyway- unless it’s beef jerky. So I’d be plain out of luck. I could go on about how weird I think people are who don’t eat meat, since it’s like human nature, but I’ll save that for later.

The food; they don’t eat meat, therefore it’s shit. I was raised on Indian food (I hate my parents) and somewhere along the line it just got DISGUSTING. The dryness, blandness… and I’m guessing I wouldn’t be able to ride a cow to Mcdonalds everyday and get a “not-so-real-chicken nugget”. I prefer eating my own hair to be honest- which is probably delicious because the conditioner I use it made with real tea tree oils and the shampoo contains coconut oils, or something like that.

What really put me off though, is the harsh reality of ‘elephant life’. Or lack of it to be more precise…

I assumed that you could OWN an elephant and instead of riding a bike or taking your car to work, you just hop on your own personal elephant. And it washes itself with its trunk and does all sorts of crazy things like kill chickens and cook them for you. But then I found out that elephants are ‘wild animals’ and you’re not allowed to just buy one from a pet shop and play fetch with it. I mean, if I wanted to NOT own an elephant I could do that here.
And no; I wasn’t planning on smuggling an elephant back into the UK from India; that’s stupid, they’re too big. We would swim back.

But it was kind of a business trip for them and I didn’t want to tag along, seeing how many mosquitos could suck the life out of me and how many I could slap to death. And it’s so uncool to hang around with your parents! Not that I care what people in India think of me. Because they don’t eat meat and they probably don’t have a pet elephant. So whatever.

Now that it’s a free house though, I should probably get drunk, tell all my friends to come over and get more drunk- not necessarily in that order. But there’s a few things that are making that dreamy dream from coming true:

• I don’t (really) drink alcohol
• My friends are all at university
• I have no friends

My love/hate relationship with alcohol is a long story, which involves a lot of throwing up, so I won’t go into too much detail about that yet. But yes, all my friends have gone back to university and I decided not to this year so I can go travelling… and ironically, I turned down what could be my only chance! I kind of think I should have gone now, since I wouldn’t mind seeing different parts of the world. But then I remember they don’t eat meat in India and I feel like a genius for now going. A SEXY CHICKEN EATING GENIUS!

So instead of having drug fuelled, coma inducing orgies with anyone very short sighted enough to look at me, I’ll be doing something much more fun: studying for a psychology exam I’ve taken about 500 times and don’t really need to take since I already got a place at university!!!!

Psychology… like alcohol, I have a love/hate relationship with it. I can never remember anything about taking either, they both put me to sleep and they both give me severe cases of kidney faliure.